thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
