Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
