my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
