she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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