a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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