Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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