Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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