Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
