Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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