yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
