this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
