It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
