FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
