I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
