then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
