Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
