Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
