you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
