Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
