yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
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I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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