we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
