if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
