Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
