when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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