I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
