You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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