My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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