Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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