I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
