anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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