I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
