mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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