The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
