A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
