Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
