non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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