Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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