I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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