The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
