I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
