You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
