I cannot find my penis.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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