Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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