Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
