Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
