You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
