i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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