I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
