we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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