I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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