nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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