It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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