oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
