Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
