Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
