I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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