Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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