Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
