i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
